May 12, 2020

Negative Self Talk

Overall, this has been a really horrible week, not food wise, but mentally and physically. I was really burnt out and ended up sick so I took a few days off work. When I got back to work, I got beat up a little more by my boss about things I did wrong. I wore jeans one day that I wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t follow procedure for calling in sick properly. So, I was ready for the end of the day when I could go do Zumba and have an awesome time and not worry about any of that. I got up the courage to purchase a Zumba top from the website, and the fit was pretty tight, despite the numerous comments it ran big, and I bought the biggest size they offered which I thought looked okay when I tried it on.

Until, I got to class and stood in the front row and looked at myself in a floor length mirror and started dancing. We all know what happens when you start sweating and jumping around, clothing rearranges itself. The waistband was totally unflattering and I was already self conscious of wearing a halter top and sports bra. I’m usually a t-shirt kinda gal but in an effort to really see what I’ve accomplished I’ve started purchasing workout clothing that fits my body that aren’t big floppy t-shirts that are three sizes too big to hide in. But, I cringed looking in that mirror last night and totally berated myself the whole time for wearing it. Where was my fat & fabulous confidence that I have when I’m dancing? I don’t care who’s watching me or not. I love Zumba and Hip Hop Cardio and like to think that I keep up with the best of them despite my size and clumsiness but all I could hear in my head last night was my own negative self talk about how awful that top looked and how fat I felt in it. Despite the fact that I’m 65lbs lighter and have recently been able to shop in a regular store, that inner fat girl will just never seem to go away.

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After class despite picking up the new routines and feeling like I got a great workout I was still beating myself up. I still compare myself to other girls who I think are “normal” size, wondering if I ever get there. I’ve talked about the BMI chart and to be considered normal I still have another 75 pounds to lose. I’ve never been a normal weight, I’ve always been overweight so I don’t know what being normal feels or looks like. It almost scares me to lose that part of my identity. Part of my sarcasm and personality have been tied to being the fat girl, they were part of my defense mechanism. Now, I embrace it but how do you keep the parts you like and still let go of all that negativity??? How do you stop seeing the negative in the mirror when there is positive there, and you just can’t seem to  see it? Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let go of all of that and just be happy with who I am.

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I obviously haven’t figured it out, but I’m down…. not out. In the words of Shakira, Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Get back in the saddle. I’ll be at Zumba tonight in my Susan G Komen t-shirt I bought after my first 5k that fits  me and will still be bringing my swag and shaking my hips with the best of them. Next weekend I will join Alan and hopefully Bryan to take my first Zumba class with Sue, better known MrsFatass. I’m beyond excited.

Related Article: Let’s Talk About Confidence

How do you stop your negative self talk?