February 9, 2020

How To Be More Charismatic: Mirroring

One of the skills most aspiring pick up artists struggle with early in their maturation process is becoming more charismatic simply through their actions. After all, finding out what works for you and what makes you naturally attractive is a long process that requires considerable time investment. There are many methods and exercises with which one can differentiate oneself, creating that positive, attractive, authentic aura you desire. However, today I’m going to teach a simple lesson in merely mirroring another individual.

What Is Mirroring Mirroring is essentially analysing your conversational partner’s behaviour, language and general physiology. I’ve chosen to write this article because when I’ve taken guys out on boot camps they are always searching for something tangible to copy. In many cases they keep on coming back to me asking what to say or what opener to use. More problematic though is not what they say to open, but how they open and continue the pace of the conversation. I am always of the philosophy that you need to find yourself and see what you’re comfortable with. Nonetheless, if you need something easy to get started, mirroring is very simple.

The philosophy, or logic I should rephrase, behind mirroring is essentially giving the other individual as many signposts as you can demonstrating that you understand and fit into their world. Human beings always unintentionally seek out and reach out for things that reflect who they are, or are similar.

This is a somewhat unavoidable part of being a human being. Regardless of how dynamic your mind and how hard you try to ignore people who are similar to you, you will always be drawn to them. Your mind is constantly trying to shortcut your decision making process. Your mind does not have the mental capacity to undertake a really detailed dialogue and analysis of every individual and that is why, more often than not, you pass judgement very quickly based on their behaviour, demeanour and choices. This is just stereotyping. It is a necessity in life that makes it more efficient. Unfortunately, it doesn’t give you the opportunity to really get to know someone and really judge them based on their intrinsic qualities.

Okay, so one thing I should note very early in this piece is that there is a difference between mirroring someone and annoying them through mimicry. Mirroring is about understanding the way the person is behaving, and conducting yourself in a way that is similar and congruent. Mimicry is merely copying everything. It becomes extremely noticeable and extremely annoying.

What To Mirror So here’s a list of methods to mirror. These are not mutually exclusive to the realm of pick up and are very effective in your everyday networking efforts.

Body Language – Be conscious of your partner’s physical rhythms and their habits. Are they fidgety and constantly tapping fingers somewhere? Are they rather laid back and nod occasionally to acknowledge something you have said? Are they super energetic and expressive, waving their arms constantly and jumping out of their seat? What you are attempting to do with your body language is operate within harmony with the other individual. Be sure to respect space where the person may be giving signals they are closed off. This may be the case with folded arms.

Volume – Volume is often an indication of the individual’s energy level and passion for a topic of conversation, or life in general. If someone is soft-spoken, it is appropriate to use a softer volume. Similarly if someone is quite loud, it is appropriate to turn up your volume to match to give the same energy. You are trying to create the illusion that you have the same passion or same level of politeness. People value that.

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Tonality – Tone is a conspicuous indication of an individual’s emotions. In most cases, we accomplish our mirroring through behaviours taught through our societal conditioning. We understand to behave sombre and respectful when someone is sad, and similarly we will become perky when we see something irreverent and humorous. However, whilst we might do this intentionally, we want to move beyond what we do involuntarily. Try to be more conscious of the emotion in tone and the variations used. Overemphasise.

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Pacing – Like volume and tone above, pace is a very good way of establishing emotional intimacy with your conversational partner. Females makes decisions based on their emotional state at a given moment in time. By bridging a connection and creating congruence you may be lifting their emotions and they will more likely reply with a yes. Pacing is difficult to detect, but the most useful tool is to look at the general rate of breathing. By matching pacing, usually this indicates to the individual that you are interested and giving full attention.

Eye Contact – As above, use eye contact tastefully without seeming patronising. Certain cultures, particularly Asian, view looking directly into someone’s eyes as rude, so be conscious of this. Eye contact normally reveals intensity, so measure how much eye contact you need to use. As with the other four elements mentioned above, discretion must always be used.

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