May 12, 2020

Dante's Inferno with Children

Last night I decided not to take any Benedryl. I've been taking it pretty consistently since we started our house-buying journey.  But for some reason I didn't think I needed it last night.

I woke up at four.

It's 5:30 now and I just figured I might as well get up already - it's really boring lying in bed, not sleeping.

_______________________________________________________ Last week I got a call from the Principal of Daniel's school. It's never a good feeling when the school calls you.

He told me that Daniel had written a letter in class talking about killing himself. At which point all the blood drained from my body and I said, "Give me ten minutes and I'll come to the school so we can talk."

Can first graders have suicidal ideation?

Apparently, in my case, yes.

My first instinct was to find my boy, give him a big hug and take him out of school and never send him back.

But instead I sat down with the Principal and he showed me the letter (such beautiful handwriting!) and I explained (yet again) about the nature of Daniel's anxiety and how deeply he feels things.

Apparently the class had been acting up with one of the teachers and that teacher had told the class to write letters of apology. Daniel goes into super-high-anxiety mode when the class misbehaves anyway, and then this group punishment pushed him over the edge, so to speak.

Here's Daniel's letter that the Principal showed me:

Dear Mr. Granger, I know that I did not do anything wrong. I feel like I want to kill myself. If you know of a way to kill me quickly would you just kill me? Daniel

Holy shit.

I told the Principal that I believed that Daniel did feel that way at the time, but he was probably over it by know.

Then I gathered up my son, (who was not in the meeting) and we went home.

Related Blog Post: This is my second day of being suspended.

On the way home we talked about his day and the letter and his answers did little to assure me. When I asked him about the feelings he had written about in the letter, and how often he felt that way, he told me," most of the time".

Most of the time?

MOST OF THE TIME?!!!

My first-grade child is having feelings of suicidal ideation most of the time?!

How the hell does this happen?

And what does this mean for a first grader anyway?

I asked a few more questions to see if he understood what "killing myself" meant. And unfortunately it's clear that he has a firm grasp of suicide.

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And what do I do when I tell him that I want to help him so that he doesn't feel that way anymore and he tells me, "Don't bother with psychologists mom, they don't work".

I need a valium. It's been a few days and I feel just as overwhelmed writing it down.

Oh and before any of this even happened my husband sent me this link, about a possible connection between Singulair and suicide.

Suddenly, I have no idea about anything anymore.

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